The Accidental Advocate

Published June 9, 2016 by Karen San Andres

It seems that I may have started something recently. I think I may have made myself into an accidental advocate for mental health. And you know what? I’m okay with it.

Along with my day job as a physiotherapist and my hobbies of rock climbing, fitness and social media. I think the advocate hat might be a pretty good fit.

The Anxiety Monster

You see, I struggle with anxiety and possibly even a little bit with depression too. I think that I have likely battled this demon most of my life but the anxiety monster really reared its ugly head and made itself known between 4 and 5 years ago. This monster was so scary and brutal that it literally took my breath away, brought me to my knees and asked me to beg for mercy. I’ve shared tidbits of my experience through social media and also in person to the patients that I treat daily. The outpouring of support, kindness and people sharing their own stories with me privately, gives me strength and makes it even more apparent to me that we NEED to talk more about mental health.

My monster looks like this:

Well not really, but I can describe it to you. It usually starts as a baby monster. You know, like when your brother or best friend keeps poking a finger at your face. I keep brushing it off and trying to ignore it but it is persistent and might whisper in my ear, “I’m not touching you!”. Super annoying but manageable.

Then it matures into a teenager. It gets hormonal and moody. It causes me to get over sensitive and start reading too much into things and over-thinking situations. I start doubting my emotional intelligence. This results in my to reacting to situations (especially stressful ones) differently than if I didn’t have a moody teenage monster residing in my head. Its at this point where those around me may start to notice that something isn’t quite right with me but they can’t necessarily figure out what that might be. I can be snappier, moody and a little more impatient and I often begin to feel like there is a weight on my chest.

If I’m not careful. My moody teenage monster can mature into a full grown asshole of a beast. This is when I begin to feel like I just can’t cope with anything. I am unable to focus or concentrate on even easy tasks, I can’t sit still, I tend to overreact and become extremely emotional. I begin to lose control of my thoughts and feelings, not knowing if I am coming or going. I can’t even describe how I am feeling to those who might ask because I don’t even know myself. I can burst into tears if you just look at me a certain way. Its completely unpredictable and absolutely frustrating.

So far, there are 3 times in my life where the adult monster has decided to pull rank and I end up in a full on panic/anxiety attack. The weight on my chest becomes so heavy that I am gasping for breath. I cannot speak to even ask for help. I am allowed only sips of air until I physically succumb to its power, tears streaming down my face. It is awful and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. The attack usually only lasts a couple of minutes but those minutes can seem like an eternity when you are literally suffocating and feel like you are drowning in a sea of invisible thoughts and feelings. It is the most out of control that I have ever felt.

Monster Management

So how to I manage my monster? Well, for me it is a lot of things. When my monster is in its teenage years, I typically begin to notice it a bit more in my daily life. That is when I start increasing my self care. I’ll share with those closest me that I am beginning to feel a little out of sorts so that they know to alert me when I am acting strange. They are also a great support by reminding me of the things that I know usually work to keep the monster from growing. I use physical exercise and a lot of self-reflection to start. I journal, sometimes colour, take my dogs for walks and recently I have taken up mindfulness and meditation by using an app called Headspace.

I am also taking the medication Cipralex, an anti-anxiety and anti-depressant. After my first panic attack over 4 years ago and through working with my naturopath and family doctor, we decided that I needed the little extra help. My doctors explained to me that my brain just wasn’t producing or processing serotonin efficiently enough. I had been managing at the time with my self-care techniques and some naturopathic remedies but it just wasn’t enough anymore. Feeling how I was and how it was explained to me, made me a lot more comfortable with starting the medication. My anxiety, although a mood disorder, is also a biochemical imbalance in my brain. Why wouldn’t I treat it?

I am at a place in my life right now where I am able to increase or decrease my dose of Cipralex (under my doctor’s guidance) depending on how I am feeling and what is going on in my life. I recently underwent a personal experiment where I was feeling pretty good, my monster was sleeping soundly. I thought I might try decreasing my dose. I did one step-down for about 6 weeks or so and thought I was managing well. I spoke to my doctor about it and he encouraged me to try another step down. Well…my monster wasn’t too happy about that. It took less than 2 weeks for my monster to go from sullen teenager to full blown jackass and I found myself struggling for control last week.

Let’s Talk About Mental Health

I shared this online and one friend responded with “Radical self care!!!”. She couldn’t be more correct. I have increased my dose of Cipralex again, have had a few good cries, I’m doing quite a bit of hibernation to recharge, returned to my psychologist to help me implement my management strategies and generally, just trying to be kind and patient with myself. I am so ever grateful for the amazing support system that I have through my family, friends and yes, even through my online community. The weight and scariness of this monster is definitely eased with all of you behind me – thank you from the bottom my my heart. Truly.

There are others out there that are being vocal about mental health, many of them celebrities. If my story resonates with you. I encourage you to follow them as well. Share their stories, share my story, start talking about it and remove the shame and stigma around mental health. You can also follow me on Instagram (ellephysio) for more peeks into my daily life. Be kind to your fellow humans. Exercise patience in your daily life. Pay it forward. Let’s talk.

Here is a list of resources that you might find interesting or helpful if the subject of mental health connects with you:

The Accidental Advocate

The Anxiety Monster

Monster Management

Let’s Talk About Mental Health

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