Reflecting on what it means to be a mother
Mother’s Day. It’s been a tough day for me for quite some time now. Being a mother. A dream and vision never realized. I used to daydream on how cool it would feel to be pregnant. For some reason I always thought that I would love it. Experiencing my body changing as performed the most incredible human miracle, my belly growing and feeling my baby’s first kicks. After years of fertility struggle, the stress of rearranging my whole clinical work schedule around my cycle and medical appointments, the endless ultrasounds and blood work, pumping myself full of hormones, medically induced aloplecia, 3 IUIs (artificial insemination) and one round of IVF; not to mention the growing financial debt that comes with all of these treatments. My dream of motherhood was eventually just that, a dream.
I can go into detail of this time of my life but that is for another time. While my friends and colleagues all started their families around me, I quietly grieved a type of family life I would never know. I was thrilled for all my friends, colleagues and patients, however, it was a while before seeing a beautifully pregnant person didn’t stir up some feelings of longing and Mother’s Day didn’t sting so much.
I just recently learned of Bereaved Mother’s Day. The first Sunday in May. It is a day that honours mothers who have lost a child(ren) and recognize those that cannot be a mother due to infertility or other reasons. One of the strongest women that I have the honour to know, Kristen of @the.doula.life, put out a reel on Instagram that highlighted the day and how to recognize and reach out to any bereaved mothers that you might know. Kristen is a beacon of hope, inspiration and advocacy to so many that have experienced pregnancy after loss, sharing her personal journey in real time. You can see that reel here.
I’ve learned to mother in a different way
In my now 20 year career as a muscoloskeletal and pelvic health physiotherapist, a passionate advocate for whole health and a clinic owner who actively works to create a safe space to welcome everyone, while catering to women, I have discovered many new ways in which I can and do, show up as a mother.
Over the years I have put together a pre-natal program that aims educate, inform and empower pregnant people in their choices, how to make their voices heard, and guide them and often their partners, on how to both mentally and physically prepare for their birth. All without ever having been through the experience myself. I have listened to my patients, continued my own education and worked to fill in the gaps of my patient’s knowledge. The program arose out of need, our community guided me in what it wanted and needed.
In the last few years I felt called to explore the role of birth doula. Making myself available for births. While taking a labour and delivery course, I listened to all the first hand birth stories that our instructor and colleague had attended. I felt like the universe was telling me that although I might never bear a child myself, offering myself up like this, was a way to get close to the experience and that I had to try it. I truly felt like I didn’t have much of a choice.
Every one of my doula clients has happened to also be a pelvic health patient, making the experience, for me at least, even more honoured and special. There has yet to be a birth that I have attended where I haven’t shed a tear when the baby is born. I just burst with pride for my clients, bear witness to the love between them and their partner as they officially become parents and watch their hearts explode in a way they never realized it could as they welcome their baby. It’s awesome.
I have also completed my women’s health coaching certification and I love the role I get to play as sounding board, mirror and cheerleader to my clients as they navigate their way through their health journeys towards their goals. I imagine this is quite like what part of parenting/mothering is. Helping and providing guidance in the ways that you can, providing insight with the skills that you have, without getting in the way of your kids doing it for themselves and feeling empowered in their decisions and actions. Coaching them to realize that they had the power in themselves all along.
Most recently, I have co-hosted my very first women’s health yoga and Pilates retreat in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua, with my great friend, Christine Fortier. Now this was an experience that I never expected to be just as powerful for me as it was for our guests. I watched with pride and awe as they learned more about themselves in the women’s health workshops that I delivered. I saw the lightbulbs go off as I would explain a concept and I could see how they were thinking of how it applied to themselves or someone they knew. They asked incredible questions and it gave us the opportunity to take the workshops in the direction that they wanted to go. As the days went on, I saw these women stand differently in their yoga and Pilates classes, speak differently and more openly to each other, and most awe-inspiring, I witnessed them foster connection and community among each other. Our WhatsApp group chat is still going strong weeks later. Christine and I would fall into bed each night exhausted from the work we did that day but also energized from the magic that was happening before our eyes. We were truly proud mamas.
Stepping into my next role
Last, but certainly not least. I’ve been a mother to ellephysio. This clinic has been my baby since 2012. I have literally given my blood, sweat and many, many tears to nurturing this baby into the soon-to-be teenager that you know today. I initially placed trust in the wrong people which led me to birthing my baby and raising it as a single mom. I made so many mistakes, wrong decisions with the best intentions, bad investments and personal sacrifices that I know any mother would make for the sake of their child.
Through all of this, the clinic, my baby, became more resilient. We learned from each mistake, mishap and misadventure. We grew together, creating a family-like web of support in our staff and welcoming community to our patrons. So much so that it makes me burst with pride when a past or current client or staff member stop by the clinic just to say hi because they were in the area. Exchanging warm hugs and hellos. Seriously! This really happens and its always awesome!
ellephysio will turn 13 at the end of June this year. I can’t believe it myself. With each incredible new staff member that we introduce to our community, I have been gifted with the opportunity to expand and explore my interests as a business owner, clinician and human. I’ve slowly been reducing my caseload to allow more time and space to work on the business itself, as well as give me time heal from my injuries related to my climbing and car accidents over the past few years and most of all, to reflect on what is next for me. The clinic has grown and matured. It doesn’t need its mama to be on site all the time now. It’s walking on its own and I can only hope it will learn to run, explore and grow into an even more special place to be seen, heard and cared for.
As proud as I am of what the clinic has accomplished in 13 years, I am also struggling with the change in my identity. If I’m not ellephysio, who am I? For so long, this clinic has been an extension of me as a person. I lived and breathed for it every day. Now, I am incredibly proud of and grateful to my staff that treat the clinic like their own and nurture it, each other, and its community in the same way I have and will continue to. I imagine that this is what parents feel like when their children leave the nest. Proud and kind of lost at the same time. The clinic is ok. My baby is going to be ok. Everything that I have worked so hard for since its inception has been leading to this and sheesh is it ever so scary.
I am leaning into this discomfort, fear and excitement of what the future holds for me as a person and clinician. I am working on trying not to obsessively worry about my baby, letting go of the clinic and me as its mama being the biggest part of my identity and quietly reflecting on which direction do I want to explore next to enhance my skills in service to others. I’m entering a season of healing, a season of self-discovery, a season of play and experimentation. What does Karen want to learn and do? What is next for Karen in her career? Is hip surgery on the horizon? I have always said, I will never stop seeing patients and clients, I love that part of my work way too much to ever give it up. This mother will always be a part of her baby’s life. She’s just learning to take a step back and watch her baby thrive.
